where is Home

Three years ago, I was running after the train, just like everyone else. That was the moment I felt like I was one of them, following their pattern and doing what they did. After all, we were all running to catch the same train.

Two years ago, I was riding my bike home and stopped by a supermarket around 6 p.m. It was so crowded that I realized it was the time everyone was checking in after work. I remember being so happy at that moment, even though it was crowded, because I was one of them.

I look at my watch while I'm with someone, so I start making small talk. I send a Tikkie and sometimes I become very direct and rude. I only talk about the weather and my vacation plans. I've mastered all of those things, but when it comes to a test, I always fail.

I was at the Athens airport when the airline employee doubted my ID. She handed it to someone who was Dutch, and he spoke to me very seriously in Dutch. It was only a moment, but it killed my joy of coming back home. I didn't know what to call it at that moment. 

That was the test, How they see me?

I'm in a train carriage crowded with Dutch people with beers, but once I imagined a drone from the outside capturing a photo while I'm on the doorstep and the doors are open, I will never look like I belong to this crowd. This drone is how I am imagining myself all the time, in their staring looks, pale smiles, questioning eye contact, or the famous question, "Where are you from?"

Where am I from? I wish I was privileged enough to tell you I'm a citizen of the world, but I haven't been able to travel the world or had a strong passport to guarantee me entry. My world was this African country seized with my wild imaginations about it being the world, and there was nothing outside worth seeing. I was numbing myself, or maybe I was afraid.

I stayed there for 32 years and thought it was the end, and getting out was not desirable or even possible. Now I'm in this train carriage, standing with many people listening to the music of my favorite Egyptian series, unable to connect with either of them, the train, or the music.

Where am I from?

I live in Amsterdam for now.

paris

In the last weekend I saw someone who wrote his story about moving to Amsterdam on a Classical arabic couch outside an Arabic restaurant. O didn't read the whole story and I think the writer himself didn't aim that, as the story of moving to a new city can't be briefed on a couch, mine would be written on skyscraper building.

After 3 years abroad during corona, the asylum procedure, being sick and being traumatized for years ,I wasn't able to start travelling as usual, even I forget how it feels when my pack my stuffs, arrange everything, making calls and a lot of fun . In stead I fill in my pack yesterday carelessly using a to do list, there are no one waiting for me at the bus stop but luckily some friends waiting on the other side.

I am more spontaneous about traveling ss all places are new, all people are new as well , I feel like the world had been broaden for me and I just have to discover it on my own. I started to enjoy my loneliness besides I am putting my shoes in the situations in which I would be alone.

Being independent is a great benefit of living here but still yet not individual because people will always the ultimate reason to carry on despite I am lonely and alone but I can't deny how people are so important and considered the bottom line and the motive to all my actions.

Once upon time a wise man said, travel you may find your soul company. This time not in Siwa or Dahsb or even sahel but in another continent with different people whilst I'm almost 36 .

I catch the train

All the time I am hearing a train sound, especially at night, and whenever I live I hear that sound. It happened in Egypt and even here in the Netherlands and usually, I prefer to ride the train more than any other public transportation.

I can't count all that I saw or heard on the train but I can say that I enjoy observing people there and wondering how all of us are on board with the same destination and how the butterfly effect can apply a lot in this situation, you could find your soulmate here, you could be trapped with them and a lot of ideas comes to my mind and that's part of the fascinating ride on a train.

1 year ago I was going to my therapist in Amsterdam and we were running after a train at 8 am and for a moment I fell in. Now I can say that I catch my train and restored my life and I feel daily whenever I cycle to my work when I tell people that I am working again. I am above the moon and I am completely satisfied, I won as usual and I know it but it cost me a lot 

Catching this train cost me a lot and still but it was a war that I have to win and I realize peacefully that now this transition state get to an end and I am waiting for the feelings That I had for years in Egypt of boredom and being exhausted but maybe that's the right moment to start a new job, knowing exactly what I do like and start doing it.