متي ‏صرت ‏هشا

-اقرالك ؟

_ياريت.

-ركز في اسئله عاوز اجابتها والاوركال هيرد عليك

-اسئله عامه ..ولا ايه

_الي تبغاه..مش مشكل

_ابتدي

تصمت قليلا وتحاول ان تركز في شيئ ما و نبدأ قراءه اوراق الأوراكل

_ acceptance, self love and your path

_ممكن تشرحيلي

Acceptance

تقبل الماضي و مسامحه نفسك علي اخطائك و ردود افعالك..انك تتصالح مع نفسك القديمه..انك تنسي او تتناسي مش ده الحل..الهروب دايما مسكن مش علاج.

دايما الخير والشر هيحصلوا ليك مهما حصلوا ليك و مهما عملت مش هتقدر تبعد عنهم..الحياة رحله صعبة و خصوصا علي المختلفين..احنا مختلفين و بندفع ده كل يوم..لازم نتقبل ده و نهضمه و نعرف اننا هنعاني..كل انسان بيعاني 

Self love

*ازاي اواجه الناس من غير فلتر يعني

+صدقني انت احلي من الفلاتر

بس احنا اتعودنا علي اننا مش حلوين كفاية..ماما كانت دايما تقولي ريحه عرقك وحشه..جدتي كانت بتقولي ان عينيا صغيره..اخوك شعره حرير..ياريتك خدت عنيك باباك..الا يعني غامق زي امك ليه..

انا وحش خلاص عرفت 

نفسي تبطل كدب..انت ليه جبان..انت لسانك متبري منك و علطول بتقول..يبني طيبتك دي هتوديك ف داهيه..مشفتش في خبثك..انت ليه كده؟..عاق..نجس..خطاف رجاله..نقال كلام..ضعيف..شاذ..

انا وحش خلاص عرفت ..اسكتوا بقي

My path

انا بعد الايام هنا ف هولندا..انا اتنفيت من مصر باختياري بعد ما كل باب اتقفل قصادي..بعد ما نفسيتي اتدمرت و كافحت بس اني افضل طبيعي..كانت معاناتي ازاي الخرا الي بشوفه ميحولنيش لمسخ..حاولت وحاولت لحد ما جيت هولندا

هولندا دي اكبر علامه استفهام في حياتي

مشهد خارجي لاحد شوارع امستردام ليلا بينما كنت مع اصدقائي

_can i walk next to you

قالتها وهي ترتعش من الخوف يبدو ان أحدهم يهددها..كانت مرتعبه و القلق يمزق وجهها..ولكني لم اجد احد استغيث به عندما كنت في موقفها..لم اكن في امستردام مثلها يمكنني ان اتصل بالشرطه او اقابل بعض الناس ليهدوا روعي..كنت بجوار المقابر في منطقه نائيه اصارع الموت

مكتب وزاره الهجرة والتجنيس

مشهد داخلي صباحي..المحققة وبجوارها مترجمه وانا مقابل لهم

_ليه رجعت له تاني بعد ما قالك امشي ؟

_انا مشيت خطوات

_ليه رجعت تاني

عمري ما فكرت فيها..حاولت افكر ليه رجعت تاني 

_كنت عاوز اموت

_ركز في اسئله عاوز اجابتها والاوركال هيرد عليك

-اسئله عامه ..ولا ايه

_الي تبغاه..مش مشكل

"يا تري هشوف الي بحبهم تاني "

_ابتدي

I'm just not enough

2009

I was at my Ex house and while we were talking in his balcony I asked him if he cheated on me, he smiled a mean smile I know it and try to skip answering my question but I insist on it so he reveal it, 45 guy in 6 months.

That's the line I use every time I'm talking about my confidence issues and how I felt after that I'm not enough as well I was devoting me for him .

Something broken inside me which I can't fix it on my own ,by time I completely understand that's his fault not mine but also it doesn't help that feeling of being not enough to fade.

Everyone had an self image which devolped and built with the experiences he get through in his life , sometimes it start with an idea which turn to a Belief , sometimes it started with a word you heard about yourself and you believe it and other times you're confident enough to build a proper image of yourself.

That night I wasn't confident,in a toxic relationship, young and weak so I believed I'm not enough and even I give him excuses for what he did as I'm really not enough

And with that degrading thinking about myself I built my self image in which I'm bad , ugly, fat, drama queen, needy and NOT enough. Then I accept everything he did after to me because I thought it's a favor of him to be in such a relationship with me .

I wasn't aware of that, everything was automatically done in my brain and after years when I realized I'm wrong it was late to fix it, Now I feel the opposite towards myself but the feeling of not being enough is still there frustrating everything.

I can't trust anyone to fix it because that's a big responsibility to put over anyone, also it was my fault and I've to fix on my own, till that I'll feel it with every rejection, distorted relationship, unmature feeling or toxic guy I catch feeling for him.

birthday

Today I turned 34 

The day was horrible and I try my best to finish it early but I can't sleep well 

I waited for someone to call but all sent a text massage or instagram story.

I feel alone ,isolated and very far away from all people I love  . Even I don't feel beloved like before.

It's hard to check out my massanger to see if someone will call at 12 but no-one does.

Except my sister which send me a video of her and her cat for my b-day.

I didn't expect that at all , in my mind I was expecting that I'd receive a conference video call like last year but it doesn't happen.

I baked oat biscuits for my birthday and I'm waiting to eat it