I was at my Ex house and while we were talking in his balcony I asked him if he cheated on me, he smiled a mean smile I know it and try to skip answering my question but I insist on it so he reveal it, 45 guy in 6 months.
That's the line I use every time I'm talking about my confidence issues and how I felt after that I'm not enough as well I was devoting me for him .
Something broken inside me which I can't fix it on my own ,by time I completely understand that's his fault not mine but also it doesn't help that feeling of being not enough to fade.
Everyone had an self image which devolped and built with the experiences he get through in his life , sometimes it start with an idea which turn to a Belief , sometimes it started with a word you heard about yourself and you believe it and other times you're confident enough to build a proper image of yourself.
That night I wasn't confident,in a toxic relationship, young and weak so I believed I'm not enough and even I give him excuses for what he did as I'm really not enough
And with that degrading thinking about myself I built my self image in which I'm bad , ugly, fat, drama queen, needy and NOT enough. Then I accept everything he did after to me because I thought it's a favor of him to be in such a relationship with me .
I wasn't aware of that, everything was automatically done in my brain and after years when I realized I'm wrong it was late to fix it, Now I feel the opposite towards myself but the feeling of not being enough is still there frustrating everything.
I can't trust anyone to fix it because that's a big responsibility to put over anyone, also it was my fault and I've to fix on my own, till that I'll feel it with every rejection, distorted relationship, unmature feeling or toxic guy I catch feeling for him.
