Three years ago, I was running after the train, just like everyone else. That was the moment I felt like I was one of them, following their pattern and doing what they did. After all, we were all running to catch the same train.
Two years ago, I was riding my bike home and stopped by a supermarket around 6 p.m. It was so crowded that I realized it was the time everyone was checking in after work. I remember being so happy at that moment, even though it was crowded, because I was one of them.
I look at my watch while I'm with someone, so I start making small talk. I send a Tikkie and sometimes I become very direct and rude. I only talk about the weather and my vacation plans. I've mastered all of those things, but when it comes to a test, I always fail.
I was at the Athens airport when the airline employee doubted my ID. She handed it to someone who was Dutch, and he spoke to me very seriously in Dutch. It was only a moment, but it killed my joy of coming back home. I didn't know what to call it at that moment.
That was the test, How they see me?
I'm in a train carriage crowded with Dutch people with beers, but once I imagined a drone from the outside capturing a photo while I'm on the doorstep and the doors are open, I will never look like I belong to this crowd. This drone is how I am imagining myself all the time, in their staring looks, pale smiles, questioning eye contact, or the famous question, "Where are you from?"
Where am I from? I wish I was privileged enough to tell you I'm a citizen of the world, but I haven't been able to travel the world or had a strong passport to guarantee me entry. My world was this African country seized with my wild imaginations about it being the world, and there was nothing outside worth seeing. I was numbing myself, or maybe I was afraid.
I stayed there for 32 years and thought it was the end, and getting out was not desirable or even possible. Now I'm in this train carriage, standing with many people listening to the music of my favorite Egyptian series, unable to connect with either of them, the train, or the music.
Where am I from?
I live in Amsterdam for now.
