insomnia is here

*Sayed

3 am at the front door of our building.

I was out smoking and thinking about what I had to do because I'm obligated to wake up at 6 am, I tried to get some rest but my brain kept thinking about anything and everything like the house, Egypt, the work, my future, and my past.

I took the decision I'll try to be awake till my work and sleep early tomorrow so I can adjust my biological clock, a plan which has never success but yet seems to be a good one. I opened the door to enter my room but Jamel was in the corridor.

*Jamel

I can't sleep at night because that's the only time when I feel that I own the apartment and I can move and cook without any interruption. It reminds me of my house in Abu Dhabi.

My wife sleeps early but I can catch a short call with her because of the timing zones. I don't like talking to my kids when they ask me when they will come or when I will be back but both questions are hard. For 3 years I'm struggling to get a permit to stay but yet I'm a Palestinian.

I'll cook something then maybe I will read something about the pharaohs .by mentioning the old Egyptians here we go, the creepy Egyptian guy was out now. I think he lied to them and he got the permit for nothing, lucky him.

*Sayed 

I scroll down Facebook till I found a post about a happy moment in the series I'm currently following, so I opened my laptop to watch it. I went out to prepare something to eat when I saw Juan

*Juan

I can't sleep well because I have to go to the toilet several times during the night because of beers. I love beers and I can't imagine a day without them, my wife didn't hold that and she trigger my kids to press me to quit drinking.

I quit for 4 years but when I fleet here, it was my best friend to whom I can talk and tell. The doctor says that my liver is going worse because of beers and my lungs are damaged from smoking. but I'm 65 and those are the only two things I am enjoying now.

I think the time is perfect for checking the fridges now and seeing if I can eat anything because I'm broke to buy. I was a step from opening Ibrahim's fridge when Azmy opens his door.

*Azmy

It is hot today and the wheelchair makes it worse besides I am hearing loud music from Sayed's room. It's perfect to go out now when everyone is sleeping and I can move around without the burden of people's looks, the pity in their eyes, and the endless questions about how I got here.

I'm not sure if I will stay here or will be deported to Italy. I didn't see Italy before but that's the law here. It's hard to start all over again, it's harder with that chair. I'm trying to focus on the current moment because I had enough over my shoulders.

-Hi Juan

-Hi azmy

-How are you?

-Fine, and you?

-Good. I was going to roll a cigarette and make some tea, maybe you wanna join

-Okay.

*Ibrahim 

The room is crowded and the open door tip doesn't make any change, I wasn't right to invite my cousin to live with us but the kid is now a teenager and I can't stand for raising him on my own, my cousin would help but yet the room is not enough for three of us.

The kid still grinding his teeth when he is sleeping, I've to wake him up and hug him so he stops. It's around 4 and I have to pray fajr and come back to sleep.

I looked at my phone to find a picture of my daughter with a Dutch language book, she listened to me because I need to rely on her here when she comes soon. Back to School in your fifties isn't easy at all.

I hear some noise from the kitchen, I went there to find Juan and Azmy drinking beer together. It's early for fajr so maybe I'll sit and drink a cup of tea. Suddenly, I found Jamel coming with a lot of dishes to wash, once he sees me, he come and sit to drink tea at the moment when Sayed was out to smoke.

*Sayed 

Apparently, it is a long night for all of us to see all my flatmates at 4 am drinking and laughing together, how lucky are they, they don't have to be dressed up in 2 hours.

My 35th birthday

Today is my 35th birthday but I don't feel anything towards the day, except the cookies I had bought and the leftover food, I didn't have anything special.

I remember my previous birthdays and how much fun and friends were surrounding me, I tried my best to run away from my past but I didn't expect that I would miss my days in Egypt.

For sake of God, how my life turns from bad to worse in a constant sequence. Firstly my traumatic childhood then my shitty teenage period, and my twenties when I could summarize by the name of wrong descions.

I had a lot of fun, joy, travels, hope, and good friends but yet all I feel now is being isolated again. I moved many times throughout my life and I wasn't able to keep a friend because of the distances. I did my best but at certain points, I had to let them go because we can't carry on.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, they said that but I can add to it, stronger but dead inside and completely scared of everything. it withdrawal the joy of life out of you. Yet stronger or in other words emotionless.

The feeling of guilt and self-blaming ruin every step. Even the steps became harder .it looks like I am trapped here forever, away from everything I love or pay its price. I wish all of that to end up and really breathe for once without fear of being guilty.

Happy Birthday to myself.

عن الاكتئاب وأشياء أخرى

صوت صريخ بالخارج و ضحكات و زغاريط تدوي وتهز المكان كله..لا يسعني سواء الابتسام . منذ عام كنت سعيد وكأن الحياة أبتسمت لي أخيرا بحصولي علي الاقامة هنا رغم أن مقابلتي كانت في منتهي السوء. كنت خارجا من مركز الاستجواب أشعر بألم يعتصر قلبي و كأن جرحا بداخلي قد فُتح من جديد.

عجيب أمر الأنسان فهو لا يحصل علي سعادته سواء بالدموع ولا يبتسم الا بعد العبوس ..ها هو جاري سعيد ويرقص ولكني أعتذرت له عن الحضور بسبب حالتي النفسية والصحية. أشعر بالتعجب من نفسي . دائما ما كنت اتغاطي عن حجم ألمي وأنخرط في أي مناسبه سعيدة وأخطط لها وأحاول أن أتناسي ولكن اليوم لا أستطيع.

الطقس في الخارج مشمس سعيد. يوم مثالي للأنتحار وأنهاء معاناتي في رحلة اللجوء و الفرص الثانية. توقفت الحياة أمس عندما قال لي الطبيب أن العمليه فشلت وعلي أعادتها و أن هناك خطر علي وظائفي البيولوجية. كنت أبكي وأنا اسمعه وفي عقلي ألا أخبر أحد . أستمر هذا القرار لثواني وعندما خرجت لم أدري بنفسي أخبر كل المقربين مني .

أصوات الأحتفال في الخارج تخنقني. ياله من يوم تعيس تقرر أن تحتفل فيه بينما أنا علي بعد خطوات يعتصرني الألم والوحدة. لطالما كنت منبوذ و وحيد حتي في أفكاري وقرارتي كنت دائما وحيد.. لطالما تمنيت حياة أسعد ..لطالما ظننت أني أستحق هذا ولكن لم يحدث يوما.

ما بين طفولة مضنية ومراهقه كلها أحداث مؤسفه و جامعة بعيده و وظيفه ممله ومخاطر حياتية و مشاكل أسرية كلها تتمحور حول هويتي الجنسية التي لم أختارها و زادها سوءا أختياراتي في الحياة من لين وضعف وصمت و تحمل ما يؤذيك تحمله.

اصوات الاحتفال تخفت بالخارج. اصوات الذكريات تعصف بوجداني. أشعر بأني مقيد هنا. أشعر كأني أساق للموت دون أختيار .فترت قدرتي علي الشكوي. ماتت رغبتي في النجاة. اتذكر اني دائما أقول اني مقاوم و أني أنتصر في النهاية ولمن فيما يبدو ليس هذه المرة.

شيئ بداخلي يخبرني أنها ليست النهاية وأنه يمكنني المقاومه والاستمرار و عمل المستحيل. شيئ يخبرني أن أخرج و ارقص معهم وأحتفل وأبتهج ولتذهب اراء الأطباء الي الجحيم. ولكني غير قادر إلا علي البكاء. شيئ ما يجبرني علي الانزواء والأستسلام و البقاء دون حراك ..شيئ ما يجبرني عن أقتل 

قطع عليا حبل أفكاري السيئه جاري وهو يحمل لي بعض الحلوي. رفضتها في أدب ولكنه انصرف مسرعا في حرج فهرعت وراءه و اخذتها فطلب مني أن أجلس . أبتسمت لضحكاتهم و لفرحتهم . شعرت للحظات ان الحياة تستحق. علي أن أحارب. علي أن أقاوم .لم أخلق لأُهزم. دائما ما أنتصر . لا اعرف كيف ومتي ولكن كل هذا سيزول. سأحارب وليكن ما يكون

قليلا من الملل

قليلا من الملل كان هذا عنوان حياتي في مصر ولكن في اليوم اشياء وأشياء لأفعلها ..كنت أمقت عملي ومكانه وكل زملائي فيه وكنت أري نفسي أموت كل يوم وانا تحت رحي هذا الروتين الذي لا أتعلم منه شيئ 

كنت محاطا بأشخاص كثر وكانت هناك مشاكل لتحل وعقبات لاهزمها واتخطاها و حلم بالسفر وبدايه جديدة..حتي الان لا أستوعب ماذا فعلت وماذا تركت ..كم هو ثقيلا هذا القرار وكم يقتلني التفكير فيه وهل كنت مخطئا ام جانبني الصواب

هل وانا اودع عملي الذي انقضي فيه عشريناتي وكلي فرحة اني سأشتاق اليه وسأشتاق للطريق الملئ بالمطبات والاراضي الزراعيه والزحام و عربات الشحن الكبيره..لقد حلمت يوما أن أءهب الي عملي بالدراجة ولكن الجميع وصفني بالجنون وها أنا الآن سيجن جنوني لأعود

لعله الجبن والخوف من المستقبل وايماني بفشلي و اني غير ناجح هو العائق..لعلي لا اعرف من أين أبدأ وهل كنت مهيئ لبداية جديده من الأساس..بقيت كما أنا والحياة هنا مختلفة ..لم اتغير ولن اتغير 

اجلس في الغرفة وحيدا لايام وشهور دون ان احدث احدهم مثلما اعتدت في مصر و دون ان افرح بنزهه مكرره كما كنت في مصر و دون ان اري اهلي واصدقائي ..كم هو ثقيل الامر و كم ان متعب من اوهامي ومخاوفي و بين ما أل اليه حالي

scattered memories

Some moments in our live are remarkable and what happened after it would be completely different than a second before it, sometimes it came with the felling of being trapped or in a movie set or any other of our brains manipulation to save us

I remember my first time in budel camp while I was in a single room and I was scared of how the European buildings looks like . It reminded me of horror movies

When he told me to sit near a graveyard to take a breath then he put a knife over my neck, for a moment I thought it's a trick or a movie but inside my heart I knew that everything would change completely

When I saw the double red lines on the test kit and how I felt calm at that moment as nothing would change that fact 

When I was in the hospital watching my hand covered by blood and it was heavy red blood .I didn't realize what happened and when that happens but I was shocked asking myself does I deserve that?

Once upon a time a friend told me -when I revealed my day stuffs and how I'm not tired - "you get used to hard work that's why you don't get tired easily"

It was a joke but he made me realize a lot about my live and how I fighted for years in my relationship with my family, how to accept myself, how to flee from Egypt, having a healthy friendships and being financially stable as I can't grantee any help from others

My live never been easy but on the other hand I fighted and I survived and I won , I always won but on my own way