a dream

It comes back..the real nightmares

For a month I didn't dream about anything real or happened in my life like my normal for ages , for a moment i thought it's over but it happened again.

Me and my mother sitting in our favorite position facing each other, I can't remember any time we sit next to each other.She was facing me with a lot of facts about my sexuality and me was denying like usual.

Denying was the best thing I can do , also escaping, for years I was denying anything and trt to travel so I can escape .

Yesterday I feel tired when I've to deny it, thinking about false excuse or fake truth to distract her

Ok , I'm Gay

Then a lot of noise come through my mind after I reveal that truth, after that annoying noise I heard nothing then I wake up at 2 am with a pain in my shoulder

I stayed in bed till the morning feeling bad to shock her but after hours I realized it's a dream or maybe I said that and she is ignoring as usual

Coming out is an idea come cross my mind every while especially after the movie 'weekend' , normally I believe that things become easier when we say it loudly. Does if I came out to my parents would change anything?

triangle

I was smoking outside wearing my tank top and breif happily wondering about that night while i saw a girl riding the bicycle behind a guy, it's midnight and for a second i realized how miserable am I also reminded me of the dream about being in a relationship.

 I'm sleeping on the couch after an argument in dutch I didn't understand but I can clearly figure out that I'm not allowed to sleep in the bed with them.

The limits, that's the wall i face Everytime to realize I'm the 3rd guy who join for fun , the sex was great and it was rough AF but I can smell that one of them don't like that I'm here.

He is avoiding me even in sex he was so cold but I wanna say to him I'll not gonna stole your man by pushing him to fuck or touching him , i can see it in his eyes that I'm a threat to him.

On the other hand the other guy who is the superior owning the house and everything show a huge interest in me ignoring his BF at all , even when I talk about how his BF avoiding me he replies :

don't worry , that's his nature

Being intimate with a guy in front of his BF on the same couch was weird and for a moment i pissed off for him, I felt like I'm having something don't belong to me.

The intimacy way he huged me in front of him while i was watching the other become nervous moving his legs quickly was one of the weirdest moments i got through.

Having a things like that makes me feel I'm not enough to be the guy who sleep in the bed d, being the first priority or deciding ,I'll always be the guy who sneak in or out and sleep on the couch because he is sexy or hot or his ethnicity is especial.

I'll sleep but what is stuck in my head is the girl behind the guy on the bike at summer night 

how to control your fears

How to deal with your fears?

I'm not the right person to explain it but I'm in my way for answers

I raised in a house where violence was the language we talked in , I remember a lot of accidents in which I stayed in bed for days for no reason, and after years when I was able to defend myself I turned to a violent teenager especially with my parents but fortunately I was the opposite outside

I was afraid from everyone and everything and I started to develop a mood in which I'm always excited and expecting attack at anytime , years after I worked on how to hide that emotions of fear and anger

Yesterday at the psychiatrist session , she pushed me to answer why I had panic attacks for simple things and I tried not to answer , but in the end i realized it's connected to my childhood and what i gone through 

I diagnosed for PTSD and it takes time to heal and I'm aware of that and excited about it too, Now it's a new chapter of my life and I'm happy for myself that finally i did it and start therapy sessions

For my fears , now I'm working on observe, analysis and share it with whom I trust , I decided not to go beyond my safe limits to feel I'm not coward, I decided to say ..I'm afraid now of you ,can you end this discussion because you frightening me, etc.

I try to be open with my fears and throwing it out myself for next step in which I can control and decrease it and in the final step I'll be able to face it without letting that to control my live