triangle

I was smoking outside wearing my tank top and breif happily wondering about that night while i saw a girl riding the bicycle behind a guy, it's midnight and for a second i realized how miserable am I also reminded me of the dream about being in a relationship.

 I'm sleeping on the couch after an argument in dutch I didn't understand but I can clearly figure out that I'm not allowed to sleep in the bed with them.

The limits, that's the wall i face Everytime to realize I'm the 3rd guy who join for fun , the sex was great and it was rough AF but I can smell that one of them don't like that I'm here.

He is avoiding me even in sex he was so cold but I wanna say to him I'll not gonna stole your man by pushing him to fuck or touching him , i can see it in his eyes that I'm a threat to him.

On the other hand the other guy who is the superior owning the house and everything show a huge interest in me ignoring his BF at all , even when I talk about how his BF avoiding me he replies :

don't worry , that's his nature

Being intimate with a guy in front of his BF on the same couch was weird and for a moment i pissed off for him, I felt like I'm having something don't belong to me.

The intimacy way he huged me in front of him while i was watching the other become nervous moving his legs quickly was one of the weirdest moments i got through.

Having a things like that makes me feel I'm not enough to be the guy who sleep in the bed d, being the first priority or deciding ,I'll always be the guy who sneak in or out and sleep on the couch because he is sexy or hot or his ethnicity is especial.

I'll sleep but what is stuck in my head is the girl behind the guy on the bike at summer night 

how to control your fears

How to deal with your fears?

I'm not the right person to explain it but I'm in my way for answers

I raised in a house where violence was the language we talked in , I remember a lot of accidents in which I stayed in bed for days for no reason, and after years when I was able to defend myself I turned to a violent teenager especially with my parents but fortunately I was the opposite outside

I was afraid from everyone and everything and I started to develop a mood in which I'm always excited and expecting attack at anytime , years after I worked on how to hide that emotions of fear and anger

Yesterday at the psychiatrist session , she pushed me to answer why I had panic attacks for simple things and I tried not to answer , but in the end i realized it's connected to my childhood and what i gone through 

I diagnosed for PTSD and it takes time to heal and I'm aware of that and excited about it too, Now it's a new chapter of my life and I'm happy for myself that finally i did it and start therapy sessions

For my fears , now I'm working on observe, analysis and share it with whom I trust , I decided not to go beyond my safe limits to feel I'm not coward, I decided to say ..I'm afraid now of you ,can you end this discussion because you frightening me, etc.

I try to be open with my fears and throwing it out myself for next step in which I can control and decrease it and in the final step I'll be able to face it without letting that to control my live

Netflix

When I'm gonna watching something on Netflix, I expect a homo sex scene is coming and it's exciting seeing our stuffs filmed and everyone watching makes it sort of natural like heterosexual sex.

But in comparison to me , I'm not this trustful guy who easily take off his shirt and go with the flow without thinking how's my belly looking, am I stinky?, Does I clean?, Where's I put the condoms, a lot of questions going through my head distractting me and makes it harder to be spontaneous

All of this questions raised from the gay scene itself ,also from homo movies in which everyone looks amazing,in shape even he acts the insecure lonely guy . This gap frasturating our imagination about sex , love and acceptance .